There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it's like iHOP with fire
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He better not be in your backpack
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
