I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
