I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
