I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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