did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
