She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
