it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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