Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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