At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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