Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
