Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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