Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
