Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
