so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
