Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
