dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
