i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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