i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
