So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
