Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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