cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
