I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
