I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i love accidental penises.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
