i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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