So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
