gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
