I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
