oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
