Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
