you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
