just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
