You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
