i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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