wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
