And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
