I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
