the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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