Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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