My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
