Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
