Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
