No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Randomize
