True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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