I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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