I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
