i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
