Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just had sex bonerless
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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