did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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