it was like his penis was on wheels.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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