I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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